Finished and unfinished business

Off work today. Needed to air my brain somewhat and come to terms emotionally with the previous few days.

Thankfully I was just able to close an open wound in this process, by speaking with my sister in Auckland, 13 hours ahead. It hasn’t been possible to ring her before, and it was very healing to talk through all the latest news from each end of the world, like it’s some giant gooseberry.

It was also helpful to speak to dad last night and hear him talking about the future. Maybe this explains why so many people have been in touch. The search for information, truth, good news. You need to make contact with certain people, get certain degrees of closure, to manage each day.

I also need to record how my mind and body have been coping with what’s happened. As a friend at work pointed out yesterday, I need to control less and trust more. Dad said exactly the same thing later.

My mind has been in high alert, soldiering on, preparing and delivering lessons and trying to cover all bases. My body hasn’t been able to keep up. The pains I sometimes get in my muscles, and the twitching I get when I am very stressed has returned. My insides feel bloated and like something is nibbling them. My neck is heavy and my speech is fast. I’m not coping in a normal everyday way, and need to have some time and space.

Mostly, I’m searching for quiet.

I think, under the surface, I am learning to let dad go. I don’t want him to go, but I have to consider it, which is more difficult than one would think. A lot of what I think about is calculated and theoretical. Happens all the time, in and around work and life. Dealing with feelings cannot so easily happen around daily life – especially when one makes no space for it.

Later, after I’ve put the washing on I’ll go out and take a walk and thing through all the things that want to be thought through.

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