Red wants a job

I am preaching on Sunday about worry, from a passage which claims that the lilies of the field do not labour or spin.

Here is my dramatic spin on it.

Jobcentre employee

Red, a carnation

Red is sitting in a vase on a table. The Jobcentre employee arrives with a clipboard and glasses on. Throughout she emphasizes the syllables in bold, fiddles with a pen and gestures with both hands on the nouns. She is slightly nasal.

She shakes a leaf with the flower.

J:          Hello? Hello, are you here for the 11:00 appointment? Pleased to meet you. So, you are [looking at notes] Red. May I call you Red?

R:         [silent]

J:          Good. My name is Bredwina [adjusts glasses] and I’ll be your employment advisory consultant today. We usually start with a quick interview to ascertain your [“”] skills-and-qualifications and to really just see what kind of position you are looking for.

R:         [silent]

J:          Ok. So, I see from your CV that you have experience in the field. What field, can I ask, have you got experience in? [peers at Red]

R:         [silent]

J:          And is that local? [pretends to write on clipboard]

R:         [silent]

J:          Yes. And would you be able to get references?

R:         [silent]

J:          Now I need to know, have you got any transferable [“”] skills-and-qualifications which we can write on the next part of the application form, anything at all Red? Any experience with people? Telephone skills? Using computers? Management? [pause] None of those? Ok.

R:         [silent]

J:          Would you say, that you have any work-related, transferable, national or vocational, educational, informational or qualificational skills at all at this present moment in time? [pause] You don’t. That means we skip [turns pages] section 3b, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and up to 17 and jump to section 18a. [calls] Code 18a!

R:         [silent]

J:          So, Red, what kind of position are you looking for?

R:         [silent]

J:          Mmm, mmm, mmm. [ticking boxes] And would you say that you are free to begin employment as of Monday? [looks up] You would. And do you have a licence for Heavy Goods Vehicles? [looks up] You don’t. And are you prepared to work shifts? [looks up] No. Ok. Let me just bring up the positions available today on the computer screen. Let’s see. [taps] No. No. No. No. Can you travel any distance from home? No.

R:         [silent]

J:          Well, I have to say Red, that we don’t seem to have anything that is cut out for you today. I believe that we will have more positions in chimney sweeping in the near future so if you would like to keep in touch with the office here, you know where we are. Thank you Red. [calls] Next!


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