Months pass me by in a muddle of motherhood. I may be introverted, but I never intend to ignore any of my interests and constantly consider that perhaps I care too much. Or alliterate too literally.
Either way I overthink and undersay.
I have a feeling our family has a maximum quota of words as a unit, and with Lily becoming ever more literate and fluent and Joseph finally buying into this English speaking thing my own words are dripping out of the equation. Having a forgettory helps too. Thankfully at least my husband generally manages without using too many words. That is, unless you get him on a subject he needs to be excited about. And when I get on a topic I care about I use up way too many of my day’s words quickly and then have to retreat and be away from everything and from everyone for as long as I can.
This leads to frequent recharging in my daily and weekly routine. In order to cope with teatime with the children most days I have to have half an hour to myself before their bath and bedtime. In order to cope with running a noisy and busy toddler group once a week I have to set time aside for myself the day before, the afternoon after and if possible as much of the following day as well. To cope with any social activity I have to see it coming, plan around it and pace all other social activity that week. It has only become apparent to me fairly recently that I may actually also be suffering from depression.
But I don’t want to suffer, so I am resisting it the best I can.
Some days I will not have many words.
Some days I will need extra recharging. Unlike Katharine Welby I have found the church to be remarkably accommodating when I have needed space, and in allowing me to continue to run toddlers and have purpose in that.
Some days I want to explain it all. But today I can’t.
Some days I just need to find people like me. Or a little like me. Because then, despite the depression and the activity to hide it and the words outside, I need to find the words inside and others who get it can say it even when I cannot.