CV for a grandad

To apply for this post, you will need to know how to do the following:

hold a baby; find 50 uses for a large cardboard box; tie a granny knot (granny not included); run a bath in the right order; give words of reassurance to female relatives; organise, use and clean a kitchen; light and put out fires; change a tyre on a bicycle; apply plasters with faces on; remove stains from anything lying under an altitude of 1 metre, find space on the fridge door for ‘official’ artwork; think in cm as well as inches; tell a story.

You should also own:

a stick for stirring paint; a dictionary (French); a bird box or two, a number of Werther’s Originals; a car, a DIY book and a kit for making wine.

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