Those days you fight to keep your heart from sinking

I guess it’s better than fighting to save a heart, or even fighting a broken heart.

Lots of people let me down in various ways today – life as a teacher means you cannot dwell on the inadequacies and insecurities of the lives you touch. Or the changes of plan. Or the chances you might be teaching badly.

Finally tonight I completed the week of planning for next week, which is now in multi-colour spreadsheet – for arranging in any convenient way (by class, room, day…) Probably overdid it, but that’s my reaction to life pressurising me – I fight back harder by doing a better job. Even when I get tired I get angry and find more energy to fight.

Not sure it’ll help me get to sleep, but I feel very content at a job well done, and even managed to mark a set of books afterwards.

It may be my own way of dealing with things, and if it is, it surprises me. I saw myself (until recently) as a person who could never do well enough or please people enough. Now I choose to work hard as my moral stand against all those things which could be herded up into the category ‘evil’.

Was it the fault of evil that dad had a heart attack?

Was it his ‘sins’ of lifestyle that brought it about? Quite possibly.

Or the sins of his genes? Not implausibly.

Or the consequence of a broken world? Yes, if you believe that.

But my working hard doesn’t undo it or make it unhappen or undifficult to deal with. My new unsaturated Dad is still much reduced from his real self and I want my dad back.

And, like finding that instead of invigilating the end of an exam 45 minutes before the final bell you have to occupy your year 11s for a lesson, your heart sometimes needs some reinforcing so as not to give in and melt.

What’s my source of hope? Tomorrow. There will be a good tomorrow. Children. Work. Love. Beauty. Friendship. Family. Opportunity. Celebration. Release. Growth. Weekends. Daydreaming. Colour. Seasons. Travel. Documentaries. Creating. Exploring. Learning. Laughing. And the occasional take-away.

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