Marking mock exam scripts – you can do them one at a time (one day at a time), 30 at a time (laid out on tables, but you have to turn the pages), one question at a time – whatever you like. And it doesn’t matter how good the grades are this time round. I feel shattered, and I haven’t finished but I have to keep going. And whenever I finish I will feel guilty that:
a) I didn’t have more time for my husband,
b) I didn’t have more time for me,
c) I will never catch up with dad, whose teaching and passion for education remain inspirational, or mum, the hardest worker I know…
Am I supposed to feel like this? What if my own cholesterol level rises? I WANT JUNK FOOD and I don’t care about my arteries. It just doesn’t register enough.
Actually I am very tired. I want to do passive or fun things, but have to get on, because I have only a few days to plan another 10 days’ lessons, as well as tie up all sorts of loose ends. This is where I am unlike my parents. I know I have rights, and I expect them. I expect to be able to slow down and stop working so I can get to sleep in good time, even if I don’t have much of a break. I am a generation x flatliner trying to catch up with the y-axis standards my parents set and floundering and feeling guilty.
Whatever they think, I’ll never believe I am doing enough. And if that makes me unhealthy, that’s how it has to be. Why shouldn’t I also suffer later if they are suffering now?